Monday, April 13, 2020

The Donald Trump Passover

I wish I had written this.  Instead, I am sending it around and posting it in all of its apocryphal glory.

It's clearly not true, but it has truthiness written all over it.

Donald Trump's Remarks at a Passover Seder

Welcome to this very special dinner. Tonight is when Jews observe Passover, otherwise known as the Festival of Lights, the celebration of the Jewish New Year that started when the Hebrews left Egypt. Though I am not Jewish, I actually know more about Judaism than almost anyone. My daughter Ivanka’s in-laws, the Kushner’s, who are super-Jewish, told me that they are amazed at how much I know, that I even know more than their Rabbi, which is saying something.
To begin with, let’s all put on these little beanies, which are called “chutzpahs”, and are worn to remind the Jews that when they were slaves in Egypt, they couldn’t afford proper hats, not even brims on hats. Now, of course, they can afford hats and lots more, but no one really wears hats anymore, so it doesn’t matter. 
We eat tonight from a Cedar plate, which apparently in ancient times was made out of wood, from the famous Cedars of Lebanon. Today, of course, we eat off fine china, just like the incredibly gorgeous plate ware that you will find at all Trump hotels and resorts. And why do we have to call it china? Let’s give it a better name – like “America”.

On the Cedar plate are all sorts of strange things. There is a bone, to remind us that if God had not given us bones, we would just be flopping around like jellyfish. There is a bowl of salt water, and some greens you dip in the saltwater, to remind us that life is best when you have greens by salt water, just like the golf course at my fabulous Mar A Lago. There is some horseradish, but somehow there is no prime rib to put it on, which I don’t get. There is a hard-boiled egg, to remind us of the chickens that the Jews had to leave behind when they left Egypt. Which was really tough, because they couldn’t make chicken soup, which as you know is a basic part of the Jewish diet and kept the Jews healthy during their servitude in Egypt. 
The plate also has giant crackers called “matzah”. “Matzah”. Funny word. Anyway, God told the Jews they had to leave Egypt so fast they couldn’t take time to make proper bread, so all they could prepare were these big crackers, which was a problem, because once they were out in the desert bouncing around on their camels the crackers broke up into crumbs. There is also some chopped up apples and nuts mixed with wine that you can spread on your crackers, to remind you that the Jews were slaves and did not have any proper desserts like crème brulee or Key Lime pie, so had to settle for not so tasty apple and nut mush. 
Moses was the guy who worked with God to get the Jews out of Egypt. They say he was a Jew, but he was raised by Egyptians, and there was no birth certificate. There’s some cockamamie story about being put in basket and dropped in the river, where he was found by some Egyptian princess, but who would believe such a fairy tale? Where is the proof that Moses was a Jew? It’s fake news.
In any event, Moses goes to Pharaoh, and asks him to let the Jews leave Egypt. And Pharaoh is going to grant the request when God HARDENS HIS HEART! How unfair is that? Pharaoh – who otherwise seems to be a great, great guy, who kept unemployment low -- gets a bad rap, but it’s really GOD who is keeping the Jews in Egypt! And then the lamestream media goes and makes Pharaoh the villain and God the hero. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
So God sends plagues to torment the Egyptians. Like pestilence and boils. Those I get. But frogs? Yeah, he sends frogs. What kind of plague is that? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t be sheltering at home right now if there were lots of frogs hopping around, would we? In the end, God kills all the first-born Egyptians, but the Jews are spared because they take hydroxychloroquine. So definitely, at that point, God is winning bigly. Also, it’s worth noting that the service involves washing hands at the table, to remind us that even back then the Jews knew that washing hands was important to avoid getting plagues.
After the tenth plague, the Jews are allowed to leave Egypt – which was huge -- but they get to the Red Sea, which they can’t get across because everyone knows Jews are lousy sailors. So Moses parts the Sea, and the Jews cross over, and on the way they gather food from the muddy bed of the Red Sea, in the form of a very terrible tasting fish called “gefilte” which we eat tonight to remind us of how lousy the food was that the Jews had to consume. At that point, just when the Jews think they have it made, Pharaoh changes his mind and comes after them, but God and Moses stop parting the sea and the Pharaoh’s army gets drowned, which is why the Arabs and the Israelis don’t like each other to this very day. The Jews then give thanks to God, who rewards them by letting them wander aimlessly through the desert for 40 years, corresponding to the 40 days of Lent when Catholics stop eating good food like the Jews were forced to do in the desert. 

Also, at this stage of the service, we now spin a top, called a dreidel, which has letters on each of its four sides standing for “a great miracle happened here” to remind us of the miracle of the sea parting. And let me just say, if Pharaoh had built himself a big, beautiful wall instead of relying on the Red Sea to keep people from crossing the border, the Jews would probably still be slaves in Egypt. 
On Passover, there are four sons. One evil, one simple, one wise, and one who doesn’t yet know how to ask. Sort of like Eric, Donald, Jr., Jared and Barron. They ask four questions. I won’t bother with that, because the questions are probably stupid and just asked to try and make me look bad.
You get to drink several glasses of wine tonight, but unfortunately, it’s some horrible kosher stuff that no one would drink if they didn’t have to do so for the holiday. And you have to leave a glass of wine for an invisible man to drink, who never comes, by the way, and the wine goes to waste.
We could also sing some songs. Or not. I haven’t decided yet, it could go either way. There’s one about a baby goat. And one about the invisible man. But believe me, they are not so great. 
There’s lots of praising God, and his mighty hand and outstretched arm, as if we didn’t all know that God is very strong and tough, like me. Very strong and tough. But do you see anyone praising my mighty hand and outstretched arm? Or the fire and fury I can unleash? No. So wrong. So wrong. 
Now we reach the end of the Passover service, and anyone who wants to can search for a broken piece of matzah I hid. And if you find it, I’ll give you a dollar, which is all that’s allowed, because even on a holiday you can’t get Jews to part with more than a dollar.

 Well, that’s Passover. Now let’s finish so we can order in a decent meal. Hallelujah!

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