The Greatest Adventure of My Life

14 years ago today, my wife and I said "I do" to each other in a restored dance hall in Yonkers, NY, and I can honestly say it has been the greatest adventure of my life.  

Our wedding invitation.

I say that without hesitation, or perhaps with a tiny bit of hesitation-- I mean I want to be accurate right?  Perhaps there was some other adventure that I embarked on that was bigger?  I've been on a few of them.  Driving down to Venice Florida to start clown college, not knowing a single soul there.  Driving cross country to the Dell'Arte school without having been there before, to figure out how I was going to learn to live in rural Northern California.  Teaching clowning as part of a cultural exchange program in Chile.  Studying clown in Czechoslovakia. Traveling to Copenhagen Denmark on a whim and then lucking into three weeks of following Dario Fo around the area.  (As I like to tell it, I met Dario in 1995, and he won the Nobel Prize a year later.  Now I'm not saying there's a connection... I'm just saying that before he met me, he was not a Nobel Laureate. )

But even looking at all those cool things I did, I can say that getting married (and having a kid) is the greatest adventure I've ever had.

Here's the video the NY  Times took the day after our wedding. 

It's amazing to see us as we were then-- before we were parents, embarking on our great adventure.


This is who we were back then.  Two newlyweds.  (Literally, this video was taken the day after the wedding as we were packing to go on our Honeymoon to Paris) 

We're not that far off from that now, although a little worse for the wear and perhaps a little less starry eyed.  Time (and Madness) takes its toll. (Thank you Rocky Horror!)

We're about to set off on another adventure- a couple of weeks in Thailand!  

Read the full article in the NY Times here.

It Doesn't Always Feel Like An Adventure

It doesn't always feel like an adventure, mind you.  Of course, many times it does.  Sometimes it feels super exciting, and everything is a blur and a whirlwind.  I can't concentrate, I've got a pit in my stomach, my palms are sweaty, my heart is racing, and I am not exactly sure what's going to happen next.

There have been times when this adventure feels downright dangerous to my physical, mental, and emotional health.  My head is reeling, I've got a pit in my stomach, My palms are sweaty, my heart is  racing, and I am not exactly sure what's going to happen next.

Sometimes it feels like a slog, and so rote and predictable and the same old same old- so much that I want to scream. My palms get sweaty, my heart starts to race, and I am pretty sure I know exactly  exactly what's going to happen next.  Until I don't.   And then rinse and repeat.


Hmmmm... these things all feel the same....

Because let's face it, adventure is all of those things at once-- it's just hard to focus on any one of these things at a time.

One of the many clown wedding photos I insisted on taking.  I'm not sorry one bit.

Here are some tips to remind me to focus, when it gets difficult (and even after 14 years, it still gets difficult.)

1) IT'S ALL ABOUT MINDSET .
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right."  I have a tendency to focus on the negative, to worry about what could go wrong, and think of solutions to prevent things that have not yet happened and might never happen.  Sometimes that's good, and sometimes that prohibits me from enjoying myself fully.


2) WE, NOT I
The more I can focus on the fact that we are on the adventure together, the better off I am.  I am historically poor at this, and I am trying to get better.  But at the same time, The Greatest Adventure of Our Life would be a terrible name for this post, because I'm trying to explain my point of view, not ours.  And there are often differences. Stark differences.

3) THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION.
Enjoying what I have and not being disappointed by not getting what I didn't want.  Words to live by.  

This is a variation on a fortune cookie I once got which said "The Joy of What You Have Is Lost By Wanting More."  That rings so true for me.

4) YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE NEXT CHANGE IS COMING

Life will gobsmack you when you least expect it.  So stay flexible, and always bring a towel. (Obligatory Hitchhikers Guide reference). 

5) If I had to do it all over again, I would.  

No regrets.  You can't change the past.  And in this case I wouldn't if I could.  I could have made better decisions along the way, there are some situations I didn't deal with very well, or could have handled differently, but let's look at #3- the journey.  I'm very happy to be on this adventure with my wife, with my child, and with all of the other people that are involved in my life.

Looking forward to many more anniversaries!

Twelve Years of Wedded Bliss!

Our wedding invitation, designed by Erminio Pinque.

Today is our anniversary of marriage.

12 years ago today, my wife and I rented out a former dance hall in Yonkers, gathered 150 of our closest friends, family members, and co-workers, went under the chuppa, got our rings out of a crackerjack box, and then we said "I do."   

I then crushed glass with my feet, in an ancient Jewish tradition.  (It's also a joke that this is the last time a man can put his foot down in the marriage!) 

 There was klezmer music, and food and wine flowed and so did some harder libations.   We had cake, and we invited people to come up and entertain us, which they did.

If you weren't there, you can still read about it, because the NYT was kind enough to write a feature article about it.

This is the start of the NYT feature article about our wedding.  READ THE REST

You can also see what we thought the day after the wedding, because the NYT also sent a videographer to do a little story.  (Sometimes, having a flea circus can be a positive!)




I'd be lying if I were saying it has been all bliss.  There's been plenty of dark moments, and frustrations, and moments of feeling terrible, and a fair amount of yelling on both of our sides.  But there's also been laughter, and engagement, and games, and fun, and moments of beautiful and strong connection and intimacy.

No one is perfect, least of all me.  I told my wife when we started that I didn't expect to have a 100% happiness level.   But I am very clear that there is no one else I'd rather be a partner with, and that somehow we can and will work through any and all hiccups, disagreements, and discouraging spells. 

It seems all a blur, being married, like it is both an immutable fact of life that has always been, and simultaneously like it just happened yesterday.  I'm guessing that 12 years from now I will feel similarly.  I sure hope so.

Then

Now.  (Actually, last year.  We haven't been wearing fancy clothes lately.)

Ten Years Ago I got Married:

Today marks my ten year wedding anniversary.

The time seems to have done two things simultaneously.  It seems to have whisked by in a heartbeat (well, not quite a heartbeat, but certainly not 3652 days, give or take the odd meridians)  And at the same time, it seems forever.  Not in a bad sense, mind you.  It's just that I have a hard time remembering what it was like not to be married.

Our first dance as a married couple.  Of course, it was probably our last dance as well!

Oh, I remember that I wasn't married.  I have lots of great memories of things I did with previous girlfriends, or friends, or  with family, or solo, when I traveled on tour with one of a few circuses I traveled with, or when I toured my show internationally, or the summer I lived in Picton Ontario, or the summer I worked for the Guthrie Theater.

But it's just hard to imagine now not being married.  Being married to my wife seems very natural, like the natural order of things. (And that's not something I thought I'd be saying 10 years ago, at that beautiful antique ballroom in Yonkers, with many of my friends and family gathered around, listening to Klezmer and watching friends stand up and do little pieces of comedy for us, as the NY Times looked on.  Yes, we were in the NY Times for our marriage.  Twice.


Here's the VOWS article:  https://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/13/fashion/weddings/13vows.html
Here's the 3 years later article: https://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/01/fashion/weddings/01UNIONS.html

And here's the NYTimes video that tells our story:



I'm not going to pretend that there aren't problems or that there haven't been problems or that there might not continue to be problems.  Problems are part of the human condition.  Those that think they don't have problems probably aren't thinking too hard about what's going on or are ignoring them hoping they will go away.  I have done both in the past and will probably continue in the future. 

But my point is that problems are normal and to be expected.  As are joys.  And are sorrows.  And all of the other emotions that humans have. 

And on balance, we've had more of the latter than the former. So our balance book is not too shabby. 

So far we've managed to work away through most of our problems, and it is my hope (and my life's work, I guess you could go so far as to say) to continue to do so.

Here's to another 10 years! (And then more, after that!)

Nine Years- Happy Anniversary to Us!

It was nine years ago today that my wife and I got married.

Congratulations to us!

Our wedding invitation.
I feel that so far we have delivered
on our promise.

 I joke that it simultaneously feels like yesterday and forever.

The real joke is that it's true.

The time has flown by, but at the same time, I don't feel like I really remember what it was like before I met her.  I know I had other girl friends and that my wife was married before (but like Rick Reynolds says in his masterpiece Only The Truth Is Funny "She didn't enjoy it.") Read his hilarious book here.

Anyway, my point is that I remember those times, those times before Stephanie, but they feel like they happened to somebody else. Not to me.

I'm not saying that our life together has been perfect.  It has not.

Our wedding article in
NYT.  Click to make larger,
or read online.

 We have had our fights, and our issues, and our disagreements, and we continue to have them, and we have had terrible things happen and we've faced adverse situations and we've made lots of mistakes (probably me more than her)  And there are moments when I have had doubt.  And I am sure that she has had those moments too.

But we have also had wonderful things happen, and great moments, and more importantly fantastic little moments.  Moments where I am reminded how and why I love this person. And those moments heavily outweigh the negative.  Overall,  I know that my life is better, richer, and more meaningful because of her. At this point, I'm not sure who I would be without her (and I'm sure I don't want to know!)

I am looking forward to the next 9 years, and the next 9 after that, and god willing, 9 more, and then 9 more, and then 9 more. After that, I'll be 97 (oy, my back), she'll still be 29, and we'll see how it's going.

You can click the image to the left to see our wedding article in the NY Times. (or just click here)

And here's the video they made: (It's dated a week later, because that's when the article came out) It was shot the day after our wedding, just before we went to Paris for our Honeymoon.)

We are still a good team.